hero

When i first saw you in sound waves, clearly a man-child growing within, I looked to your daddy and laughed, "A boy?! What will I ever do with a boy?"

Little did I know how you would steal my heart.

Now I wonder, what will I ever do without you, when these days are gone.

My sweet boy, you believe, you really believe, that you are strong and brave, that you can save the world. When you don your cape, you fly through the house, and you come to me a million times, "Watch me, mama! I'm super fast! Look at my muscles, mama! Am I strong?"

Oh, how I ache to make you understand.

Yes! Yes, you are strong and brave. Valiant and full of honor.

Our Maker has written this upon your heart; you were created for greatness.

But a day is coming when doubts will creep in, and you will wonder if you were ever strong, wonder how you can keep a brave face though your heart quivers, wonder if you will ever have what it takes.

My son, remember this:

In Christ.

In Christ, you are most strong when you bend a knee, his power made perfect in your weakness. 

(2 Corinthians 12:9)

In Christ, you can be strong and courageous, never terrified, because the LORD your God goes with you, promising to never leave or forsake you. 
(Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5)

In Christ, you are a son of the Most High God, and His Spirit is within you, His divine power giving you everything you need to live the life He has called you to.
(2 Peter 1:3, Colossians 1:19).

We live in a world fallen victim to great evil. And we have been summoned to participate in a war that started long before our small stories came to life.
I wish with all my heart that I could protect you from it all, the knowledge of good and evil.
I suppose this is the beauty of the season of the beloved son:
life safe in the love of Father, naive of the Great War.

But even in your boyhood bliss, you hunger for adventure.

You long to be a hero.

I don't yet know the good works, the saving the day kind, he has planned for you.

But I'll marvel at the handiwork you are, confident that He will raise you up and position you to fufill your calling in Christ Jesus. (Ephesians 2:10)

Yet for today, I'll do my best to soak you into the deepest parts of my heart and savor you there just as you are, the world's smallest superhero...
before your legs grow long, your shoulders wide, and the whiskers come with a new voice,
 And a world that needs saving beckons you fly away from me.

My mighty little man, sleep right here on my couch a little longer.

After all, saving the day is exhausting work, even for the super and the hero among us.

Because we all know tomorrow's adventure won't wait for the weary.

So grab your gear, tuck that sword in your undies.

And prepare to conquer the world anew.

My Lion Cub, I couldn't love you more.

And you will always be my hero.

mommy

Abandon

We are not in Eden, though her scent still hangs heavy in the air. Her glory haunts us from within, in the longing moments, the epic and the intimate, when this world in all her splendor is simply not enough. We sense her calling when life frustrates, refusing to bow to 'how it ought to be", and deep down we know we were made for more.

More than the pain that is piercing my sweet friend's heart as she mourns the death of a brother, gone in his sleep, buried to this world in his youth. His wife now a widow with babies to raise. My God, we are helpless sheep; come be our shepherd.

More than our self-centered existence, led by the siren's songs of our desires, never fulfilling. We are lulled into living for our appetites, gorged and bulging with misery. And here we sit, deceived and in chains to ourselves, shackled by our good life, woefully unaware of our enslavement. My God, we are helpless sheep; come be our shepherd.

Jesus, you said, if we want to save our life, we will lose it, but if we lose our life for you, we will find it. That if we want to come after you, we deny ourselves and follow you. My God, I know it will cost me everything, but I can't hold onto this life, hard as I try. Bury the woman who tries to have it all, my way and yours. My God, I am an iron-willed sheep, come be my shepherd.

And oh, Great Shepherd, I want to live only for you, because Eden is gone, but the Kingdom is here. And when you come in the Glory of your father, there's only one flag I want to be waving, purest white in surrender to the One who is called Faithful and True. There is only one life for me this side of Eden, and it is the life of abandon.
ejk
^{Matthew 16: 24-27} Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.
^{Revelation 19:11} I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True.

                 

a sip of the best medicine

We recently made our annual family trip to the dermatologist office for what my husband would deem as insanity: let me strip down to my skivvies and pay you a nice chunk of change to inspect my skin from head to toe, scrutinizing each beauty mark and mole. But he loves me, so he dutifully, albeit uncomfortably, surrenders to the process.

This year, as they corralled our family into two rooms, somehow Isabelle (the easiest to manage in such a setting) slipped into the room with Aron, while Judah and Selah accompanied me. Armed with her notebook and a pen, Belle doodled away while Aron proceeded to degown and cover with the paper sheet. Aron remembers Belle peering up at him over her notebook from time to time but would quickly avert her attention back to her drawing. 

 Our bright, 30-something, female dermatologist bubbled into Aron's room first, "I was just thinking about you the other day!" she excitedly said to Aron. "Oh. wow! This just got even more awkward. Lady! I'm in my underwear!" he thought. She chirped away with small talk as she circled my blushing husband, examining with a careful eye and shooting medical jargon to her assistant who transcribed for her. After she dismissed herself and left the room, Belle spoke up, "Hey daddy!" She proceeded to taunt him by mimicking the doctor, who had with one finger pulled the back of Aron's boxers to take a quick peek at the skin covering his bum. With sound effects to boot, Belle grabbed at the imaginary boxer briefs infront of her and said in a high pitched singing voice, "Wooot!".

Equally embarrassed and amused, Aron dressed, and as he gathered their belongings to leave the room, he picked up Belle's notebook to see this:

Study this drawing for a minute...its pretty rich: unibrow, underarm hair, and an embarrassed knock-kneed daddy, hands folded atop paper drape.  

Aron has since declared he will no longer be visiting the dermatologist for well visits, only if an issue arises, and should he need to go again, he will go alone.

so I don't forget

Belle, what do you want to be when you grow up?

"A Ballerina!"

Judah, what do you want to be?

"Incredibles Hawk!"

I wonder how much longer it will work, telling him the Incredible Hawk mysteriously LOVES every food I fix that he hovers over, refusing to eat at my dinner table. But suddenly it becomes fuel, and bite by bite, he finishes his meal, stopping to flex his muscles between swallows to see if they've yet grown. 

I may never be a woman of great means, but I will grow old with a heart full of treasured moments like these. And I will consider myself rich in all that really mattered. 

*Belle, going to work, (see laptop & hat) in bunny slippers, dropping her son Judah off at Kindergarten.

ejk

i'll let you figure out what happened in this sequential storyboard of pictures

i hope you know

Do you realize when you walk through that front door, you bring with you the sunshine?

Our world shimmers with wonder as tiny sword bearing pirates and bow laden lassies emerge to greet their great adventurer. 

Our hearts lean toward your light, soaking in your love which grows us daily until flowers bloom in fragrant fruit.

Our minds rest in the safety of your faithful rising and setting, a constant in a planet spinning chaos.

And as evening draws near, you tuck us in with brilliant color, sing us the song of the cool of evening. Your melody invites in the One who once walked with us face to face, and we enjoy His presence once more.

Happy Fathers Day!

good medicine when life presses in

this is nearly a nightly occurrence at the haven. and it is good for the kids and even better for us to help us relax as we are stretched very thin in many arenas of life. credit to belle for discovering such a fun game!
surf's up!

your story, my sweet girl.

one day I will explain to you the beauty in the details of your arrival.

the way Jesus came near to your mama and daddy and blanketed us with His presence and peace in ways we'd never before experienced.

one day I will remind you how I told your daddy that you were going to be sweet, I could feel it.

and then I laid eyes on your face and knew it to be true.

and I will explain to you the way spring awoke before her time,

blossoming a full six weeks early, to greet you.

she interrupted what should still be a clingy Michigan winter 

with forsythias waving your color, our world painted yellow for your arrival.

your daddy knew your color would be yellow.

oh, how we anticipated you. especially your big sister.

but we were not quite ready. you made pregnancy easy on me, and I felt so good I was sure you'd hang on a few more weeks.

But the pain that woke me monday morning, i couldn't remember false labor feeling so intense.

it was only 3:30 am, but there was no way for me to sleep through the pain.

so i thought it best to get up and pack our bags (that was on my to do list for monday...though i planned to do it much later in the day).

i woke your daddy, told him through tears that i couldn't be in labor because all my clothes were dirty and I had so much yet to prepare.

he is gracious, you will learn this, though usually the morning is not his best time.

the Holy Spirit must have been wide awake within him, because he jumped to work on my behalf.

by 6 am he had washed three loads of clothes, swept the back hallway (because everyone's garage hallway must be clean to have a baby), cleaned the toilets, and packed bags of his own.

I lay down as morning dawned, hoping the contractions would dissipate. 

I wanted more time with you, just you and me.

the squeezing slowed, and I drifted to sleep until 8 am demanded we rise and get Belle off to school.

I told daddy to go on and head to work, his day already full and overbooked.

but when my feet hit the floor and the pain forced me doubled over breathless,

i looked at your daddy and told him I was scared to be left alone.

we loaded in the car, and I breathed through the pain.

i will one day tell you how daddy asked if we had time to stop for coffee.

"just two minutes?" he asked.

and I will show you the look that silenced him.

and we will laugh at how a broken traffic light left us stranded at a solid red light for twenty minutes,

how i begged daddy to ask the nearby policeman to escort us through.

and how different this labor felt, contractions spread so far and sporadic.

how the nurses told me there wouldn't be time for an epidural, claiming it doesn't help during the pushing anyway. daddy will tell you how mommy begged and set the nurses straight, "YES it does!"

i will tell you how nearing 9 cm, my whole body shook uncontrollably,

how afraid i felt, and how i writhed as the wave of pain passed through my body.

the nurses stood over me, telling me to breathe.

"you try breathing when your body is turning inside out," i thought, but couldn't share.

how the next wave rushed over me, but this time, this time I submitted to it.

I let my body go limp and I didn't fight the pain.

i resolved to let it accomplish its purpose. 

and somehow, not fighting against the pressure and the squeezing, made it more bearable.

perhaps one day over coffee we will extract some deep spiritual truth from this. 

we arrived at the hospital just before 10 am,

and by 1:01 pm you were in my arms, blackest hair I'd ever seen.

i spotted daddy's crinkle ear immediately, just like the others.

but you, you were the first to have mommy's fingers and nails.

and oh, your dimpled chin and cheek stole the show.

you looked so small to me, and i worried about your weight.

"6lbs 2 oz" announced your nurse, and i threw my hands in the air and cheered.

19 3/4 inches of sweetness.

i will tell you that while the nurses stole you away to do their quick assessments,

daddy doted over how proud he was of me.

i'm not exactly sure of his words in that moment, but I'll never forget what his eyes told me.

and i will tell you that I've prayed since you were born for God to prepare a man for you that will look at you that way.

one day i will tell you that you'd held our hearts long before we met you,

but once we lay eyes on you we knew that God had given us an extraordinary gift.

i will tell you how we prayed and deliberated over your name for a day and half.

and I will explain how God leaned in and spoke it to our hearts.

how the day before your birth as I made baby cake pops for sissy's class,

i felt Him so close, sharing in our anticipation and delight.

he loves to share in our world, if only we invite him in. 

i will tell you how you had a voice uniquely your own, your cry was strong and resolute, much different from your siblings.

i will tell you how your brother wanted to name you 'baby cocoa',

and after we saw you, we knew it was a nickname sure to stick.

and I will remind you how your sister gushed with pride, couldn't keep her hands off of you.

sweet selah joy, already your story has been written by your maker.

and one day, I will remind myself that though you are a beautiful gift to us, your heart belongs to a very good Father who has made you for Himself. And I will release you fully to Him.

already, I am daily releasing.

one day I will explain how his love for you is absolute, your very hairs numbered.

how my love, as full as it can be, is only a shadow of His heart toward you.

one day i will explain how you were once a hidden gift folded within me.

but in a moment so sacred, so beautiful,

you drew deep of this earth air, 

and in our separation, your own heartbeat sustained you. 

one day will tell you how labor drew the words,"Mercy" from my lips more times than I could count, but now I say them with an altogether different tone. It is all His mercy. your unfolding and your sustaining.

and one day i will tell you that if you forget everything else, remember

that it is all His mercy and grace and love.

It is the air around you and the pulse within you and the sun on your skin.

That in Him, our Jesus, all things hold together, and

that through Christ, nothing can separate you from the love of God. 

and dear child, His love is your life.

He has created you for His pleasure and His glory,

and sweet girl, you are radiant with his fingerprints.

and so we receive you with hearts overflowing,

thanking God for loving us so extravagantly.

we can't comprehend why he loves us like he does, why he choses to call us sons and daughters.

but your daddy and I have learned, that though we may not ever understand the whole of it,

we can trust Him.

He is good, better than we can know.

and above all, we want you to know His heart like we have grown to.

and in even greater ways.

for then will your life tell the only story worth proclaiming.

Baby Cocoa

I had my camera back (its been in the repair shop for over a month now) for all of 1 hour before we quickly realized it was not indeed repaired. But before running it back, I had to grab a picture of my growing, ever changing girl! 

A week old, already. And its as if she's always been a part of 'us'.

As Judah calls her, our Baby Cocoa

coping