good medicine when life presses in

this is nearly a nightly occurrence at the haven. and it is good for the kids and even better for us to help us relax as we are stretched very thin in many arenas of life. credit to belle for discovering such a fun game!
surf's up!

your story, my sweet girl.

one day I will explain to you the beauty in the details of your arrival.

the way Jesus came near to your mama and daddy and blanketed us with His presence and peace in ways we'd never before experienced.

one day I will remind you how I told your daddy that you were going to be sweet, I could feel it.

and then I laid eyes on your face and knew it to be true.

and I will explain to you the way spring awoke before her time,

blossoming a full six weeks early, to greet you.

she interrupted what should still be a clingy Michigan winter 

with forsythias waving your color, our world painted yellow for your arrival.

your daddy knew your color would be yellow.

oh, how we anticipated you. especially your big sister.

but we were not quite ready. you made pregnancy easy on me, and I felt so good I was sure you'd hang on a few more weeks.

But the pain that woke me monday morning, i couldn't remember false labor feeling so intense.

it was only 3:30 am, but there was no way for me to sleep through the pain.

so i thought it best to get up and pack our bags (that was on my to do list for monday...though i planned to do it much later in the day).

i woke your daddy, told him through tears that i couldn't be in labor because all my clothes were dirty and I had so much yet to prepare.

he is gracious, you will learn this, though usually the morning is not his best time.

the Holy Spirit must have been wide awake within him, because he jumped to work on my behalf.

by 6 am he had washed three loads of clothes, swept the back hallway (because everyone's garage hallway must be clean to have a baby), cleaned the toilets, and packed bags of his own.

I lay down as morning dawned, hoping the contractions would dissipate. 

I wanted more time with you, just you and me.

the squeezing slowed, and I drifted to sleep until 8 am demanded we rise and get Belle off to school.

I told daddy to go on and head to work, his day already full and overbooked.

but when my feet hit the floor and the pain forced me doubled over breathless,

i looked at your daddy and told him I was scared to be left alone.

we loaded in the car, and I breathed through the pain.

i will one day tell you how daddy asked if we had time to stop for coffee.

"just two minutes?" he asked.

and I will show you the look that silenced him.

and we will laugh at how a broken traffic light left us stranded at a solid red light for twenty minutes,

how i begged daddy to ask the nearby policeman to escort us through.

and how different this labor felt, contractions spread so far and sporadic.

how the nurses told me there wouldn't be time for an epidural, claiming it doesn't help during the pushing anyway. daddy will tell you how mommy begged and set the nurses straight, "YES it does!"

i will tell you how nearing 9 cm, my whole body shook uncontrollably,

how afraid i felt, and how i writhed as the wave of pain passed through my body.

the nurses stood over me, telling me to breathe.

"you try breathing when your body is turning inside out," i thought, but couldn't share.

how the next wave rushed over me, but this time, this time I submitted to it.

I let my body go limp and I didn't fight the pain.

i resolved to let it accomplish its purpose. 

and somehow, not fighting against the pressure and the squeezing, made it more bearable.

perhaps one day over coffee we will extract some deep spiritual truth from this. 

we arrived at the hospital just before 10 am,

and by 1:01 pm you were in my arms, blackest hair I'd ever seen.

i spotted daddy's crinkle ear immediately, just like the others.

but you, you were the first to have mommy's fingers and nails.

and oh, your dimpled chin and cheek stole the show.

you looked so small to me, and i worried about your weight.

"6lbs 2 oz" announced your nurse, and i threw my hands in the air and cheered.

19 3/4 inches of sweetness.

i will tell you that while the nurses stole you away to do their quick assessments,

daddy doted over how proud he was of me.

i'm not exactly sure of his words in that moment, but I'll never forget what his eyes told me.

and i will tell you that I've prayed since you were born for God to prepare a man for you that will look at you that way.

one day i will tell you that you'd held our hearts long before we met you,

but once we lay eyes on you we knew that God had given us an extraordinary gift.

i will tell you how we prayed and deliberated over your name for a day and half.

and I will explain how God leaned in and spoke it to our hearts.

how the day before your birth as I made baby cake pops for sissy's class,

i felt Him so close, sharing in our anticipation and delight.

he loves to share in our world, if only we invite him in. 

i will tell you how you had a voice uniquely your own, your cry was strong and resolute, much different from your siblings.

i will tell you how your brother wanted to name you 'baby cocoa',

and after we saw you, we knew it was a nickname sure to stick.

and I will remind you how your sister gushed with pride, couldn't keep her hands off of you.

sweet selah joy, already your story has been written by your maker.

and one day, I will remind myself that though you are a beautiful gift to us, your heart belongs to a very good Father who has made you for Himself. And I will release you fully to Him.

already, I am daily releasing.

one day I will explain how his love for you is absolute, your very hairs numbered.

how my love, as full as it can be, is only a shadow of His heart toward you.

one day i will explain how you were once a hidden gift folded within me.

but in a moment so sacred, so beautiful,

you drew deep of this earth air, 

and in our separation, your own heartbeat sustained you. 

one day will tell you how labor drew the words,"Mercy" from my lips more times than I could count, but now I say them with an altogether different tone. It is all His mercy. your unfolding and your sustaining.

and one day i will tell you that if you forget everything else, remember

that it is all His mercy and grace and love.

It is the air around you and the pulse within you and the sun on your skin.

That in Him, our Jesus, all things hold together, and

that through Christ, nothing can separate you from the love of God. 

and dear child, His love is your life.

He has created you for His pleasure and His glory,

and sweet girl, you are radiant with his fingerprints.

and so we receive you with hearts overflowing,

thanking God for loving us so extravagantly.

we can't comprehend why he loves us like he does, why he choses to call us sons and daughters.

but your daddy and I have learned, that though we may not ever understand the whole of it,

we can trust Him.

He is good, better than we can know.

and above all, we want you to know His heart like we have grown to.

and in even greater ways.

for then will your life tell the only story worth proclaiming.

Baby Cocoa

I had my camera back (its been in the repair shop for over a month now) for all of 1 hour before we quickly realized it was not indeed repaired. But before running it back, I had to grab a picture of my growing, ever changing girl! 

A week old, already. And its as if she's always been a part of 'us'.

As Judah calls her, our Baby Cocoa

coping

3.25.12

first sunday as a family of five.

miss selah made her presence known with a ripping, diaper filling solo during a quiet moment in church.

atta-girl!

and a little creative out for the kids after several days of transition.

and i don't think there is any outlet to cure the insanity for this set of parents.

we're in for a wild ride.

holdin' on for dear life

ejk

Selah Joy

Psalm 46:1-3; 10-11
For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. According to alamoth.[a] A song.

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
                       Selah

10 “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
                       Selah

The Hebrew word "Selah" is a musical term used in the Psalms to indicate a period of "rest" or "silence". The poignancy of this term in Psalm 46 is that, though this world is falling apart around us, we can have peace and rest in the love of our God.

This world is dark and falling apart. But he is with us. He is for us. Be still and know that He is God. And take joy that surely he is making all things new.

Selah.

It's funny that life was not considerate enough to slow down and let us have our 3rd child on our own terms. In the midst of transition, stress, worry, doubt, and fear, this little girl was coming whether we were ready or not. Monday morning found us like a hurricane that broke too early upon an unsuspecting shoreline. We weren't ready!!! And yet, as we let go and surrendered to nature's way, we found ourselves in the eye of the storm. There, with all of life's worries still swirling about us, we cherished the treasure God had blessed us with and chose to trust His timing. We discovered Selah Joy.
APK

where has march gone?

I'm not sure. I think I lost it in the whirlwind of nesting that has consumed my days. But I was happy to spend the morning "just be"-ing with the kids while Daddy had meetings & work to finish up.

March 1, 2012

I find myself too tired for pouring out of words or coherent thought as of late.

But the pictures are story enough, I suppose.

(you may have to click the full screen button in lower right to see these...not sure why they're so dark)

Daily Resurrection

^{"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." - Luke 9:23}


"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

  Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!"

 - Romans 5:8-10

If Christ calls us to die daily, surely he calls us to resurrection daily. For to die daily is to die to our sin, that we might live as new creations. We do not take up our crosses for the sake of self mutilation, we take up our crosses for the joy set before us of new life!

Christ calls us to surrender to take up our own cross. But this so that we may walk each day, according to the power of his Spirit and not our own strength. As he has said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power if made perfect in weakness." 

How much less we would fall if we surrendered to our own cross each morning and rose to face the day in the power of God's Spirit!

APK

Beloved

kirk haven

delight. rest. inspire.

before i lose you (you who may be faint of heart or hurting or ready to punch me through your screen), let me confess to you that there have been moments I have looked at this sign, the mission statement of whatever space God provides for us to call home, and wanted to rip it down and burn it.  because nothing seemed further from the truth. 

there have been extended seasons where our sign should have read: 

the ring:

 the place we come to wrestle with God, self, and each other. 

every. single. day.

but you know what? I have come to be at peace with the fact that there are seasons in life where pain and struggle rise so intensely against you that that you must wrestle. 

sometimes its our own sinfulness. sometimes it is God refining us.

sometimes it is the enemy rising against us. other times it is the bitter reality that we live in a broken world, and this side of eternity, we will have trouble.

through our seasons, God has shown himself so very faithful. in our wrestling, he has never left us. 

truly, it has felt that at times God ordained droughts and pruning in our marriage and ministry so intense, so severe, that we wondered if we would even survive. 

his ways are always motivated by love. always. there is no darkness in him. 

we couldn't see the roots growing robust and strong as they were forced to plunge deeper and extend further than we ever thought necessary. and we have yet to fully understand the harvest of fruit he will bear in us as we have endured his cutting back and pruning, chosing to trust the heart of the one who disciplines those he loves.

but we are starting to.

and can i encourage you, that this fruit is pure and it is sweet.

and it is worth every bitter tear wept in the quiet places. 

this is supposed to be a post about our valentines day.

to encourage you in your own lives to love extravagantly those God has entrusted in your homes, in your hearts, in your lives.

but i couldn't stand the thought of someone reading this post, walking away feeling lonely, discouraged, or inadequate at such lofty ideas of 'extravagent love' when their cup is empty and life a mess. 

i want you to know we've been there.

we know broken. we get messy.

even this side of redemption.

so before you read on, let me just encourage you to hold on. to keep pursuing Christ, even when you think you can't possibly take another step. ask Jesus for His spirit to do the work in you.

open your heart in vulnerability to another believer. pray together.

our God really does love you bigger and better than you can understand, and he will show himself good and faithful in the care of your precious heart.

so all fluff aside, and by fluff I mean the unrealistic expectations our culture places on men and women in relationship, I really do love valentines day. 

loving our God and each other deeply...we were made for this.

the kiddos woke to a gift of love from their daddy.

i cannot describe the gratitude in my heart or the joy that overflows as I watch you pursue this child's heart. I pray she learns to trust the heart of the Father and his love for her by your example.

And you know I pray this..I think it scares you. I pray he grows to be just like his daddy (well minus the really loud obnoxious singing in the car...if he continues to reject that trait as he now does, that would be awesome..."Daddy! NO SING!"

your gift to them was small in character, but immense in what it communicated:

you are beloved. you are valued.

judah loved his billy goat!

 and this one...well it melted my heart. i hope she always cherishes the words of love from her daddy penned before she ever took her first breath.

 i was so excited to spend the day in Belle's classroom today!

 judah was able to go by default (no babysitter...and mommy broke the rules by bringing him), but he was SO excited. he followed belle around her classroom, hugging her from behind about every 30 seconds.

 in years past, we've secured a sitter and ensured a date for just the two of us. but this year, valentines day was sandwiched by several 14+ hour days for you, and we sensed we needed a night together as a family more.

It is Tuesday, after all....fancy Italian night!

 look at those precious gloves! you made my evening when you came to the table in them!
such a little lady, already.

Judah wanted to dress as a knight for dinner, but his armour quickly became cumbersome, and he stripped before I could snag a picture!

 the server of the evening:

"will I get away with this?

who cares. i'm going for it!

sweet victory."

Belle brought me the bill. And her checkbook with which to pay it.

Apparently we dined at the "Spaghetti Valiant Knight" this evening.

And a few more for your viewing pleasure!



Aron and I had a few gifts up our sleeves for each other. Nothing expensive or elaborate, but it communicated just what we intended it to just the same. 

I hope you had a beautiful day celebrating the love in your world.

one last confession...

my favorite part of the day?

2-4 pm.

the kids had quiet time in their room. i grabbed my bible, a cup of coffee, and my prayer journal, and had a date with the MOST important man in my life.

He is so worthy. I want to give him more and more of my heart.

And I am learning to trust that he really does find it beautiful.

That he wants to make it new.

I asked him today to help me to see myself the way he does. To believe that I am beloved by him.

Belovedness changes everything.

Its what transforms a servant into a son.

I pray this for you too.

ejk