Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Closing In

Somehow the hours are closing in on March 12th, halfway to April, and I must have lost two weeks of my life. Its funny how in the midst of the tragic situations life brings, time stands frozen. You blink, and though the moments tick at a turtle's pace, you startle a month later like a day dreamer snapped back to reality. The coma of our circumstances insulate, just long enough to get us through, but the world keeps on spinning. The merry-go-rounds a twirlin' and I'm trying to jump back on without getting thrown flat on my rear.

We found out we had lost a baby, learned we'd need surgery to remove what was left, our baby gone and with Jesus. The surgery came and went, but in my gut I knew something wasn't right. My body wasn't responding like I knew it should. It was almost a week later when I began to hemorrhage - I've never seen my husband ever before so afraid. I spent the next day in and out of the lab and doctor's office, pleading my case that something had to be wrong. A second surgery ensued and removed what was left of the baby's placenta, and within hours I knew this time was different. Healing could begin. A weekend of rest and taking it easy before sending my husband down to Georgia, and somehow here we are. Match 12th, creeping right on into the 13th by the time I finish with these thoughts.

Next Friday we move. Again. Our internship complete, I can't even fully form into words the rush of emotions that thought provokes for both Aron and I. Wonderment at what God has done to bring us to this point, gut wrenching fear at the enormous task that lies ahead, a rush of excitement for the way we know God will show up in spite of our shaking, a quiet sadness to leave the wonderful coaches here at New Hope, pure joy over the chance to share life with our family and friends again, trepidation over just how we will "fit in" to their world after living away most of the eight years of our married life, squealing giddiness over choosing paint colors for our home (something so small but I have dreamed of this for so long now), I could go on...

I find myself with an urgency to live, really live, fully awake, not missing the moment or the day. How many moments I have slept right through, dozing to worry or repetition and missing the joy of it all? I repent a thousand times for my missing Him, for the idolatry of my heart, so full of all He has given and so mindlessly wandering for more. And all I want and all I need I already have.

We are winding up our New Testament in 90 days, and I am drinking these latter letters like a parched desert wanderer having found oasis; I can't get enough of them, falling behind on the daily plan for rereading and praying these words for myself and my friends. The gems are buried right there in the pages of Ephesians, and they are unearthed in me.

"And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way." 1:22-23
And so I invite him to fill me in every way, the whole earth full of his glory, why not me? Spirit yielding is all that stands between my present reality and His fullness filling; what more is there? And the church, He who is the very real and present Head, is filling me with love for her. That mystical entity, likened to beautiful bride, which in its many parts - souls woven together as one body - possesses the fullness of Christ. Christ who fills everything in every way.
One week more and we launch into this birthing of a Church, growing so safely within our hearts for years now. Its time for this baby to drink air and taste the light of day, so that she may be the fullness of Christ for those who have yet to be raised from death to life. The labor is love, but it is God who beats the heart and causes all the parts to work together. He is the miracle maker, and so we do in the flesh what flesh can do, but we trust in the Spirit for what only God can accomplish. The days are closing in, but new life is crowning.

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