"But awakening to joy awakens to pain. Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don’t numb themselves to really living."
The realization of this fact has paralyzed me in this space. I have grown so accustomed to needing to keep many things quiet until God brought about the proper time, that I found I no longer knew just quite how to share. Afraid to share joy, for fear of wounding a hurting heart; afraid to share pain, so much in ministry must be kept between one's own heart and God.
And so I just stopped writing.
But I have been praying for God to show me what he would have me do with this space, this voice, this megaphone to share with a few the story God has given us, for His glory. I began blogging here mostly as a way to share life with our family, who though separated by distance and quality time, might still know our kids and see them grow. But as time went on, I found I had more to share than cute pictures, and that God, for some reason, chose to use my feeble words to encourage and inspire.
He has been pouring out His Holy Spirit in ways I have only dreamed. But I read it here:
"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:13And how I have asked. He is rocking our world and blowing our minds with His faithfulness, pouring on us his love in so many ways. When you tip toe to the edge of a leap of faith in life, the "what if's" race wild in your mind. The "losing your life", the losing control, so counter intuitive to everything this culture teaches. But in the closing of eyes, heart pounding and fear racing even still, the holding of breath, and in the trembling wild jump, you can only hope that the fall you experience is one right into the net of his love. That no matter height or depth nothing will separate you from Him, and that is enough.
God has been gently pointing out in my heart the ways I so desperately desire the approval of others. The thought of being misunderstood or misjudged plagues me, and so I've coiled back, to self protect and self insulate. He is calling my bluff, showing me that a hidden life smothers the light within. I often fear in this wide wide web of egos and self worship, people will read about our 2-d world on this screen and make assumptions about our life that are simply unrealistic. In order to avoid painting an inauthentic portrait, I've stopped painting all together. It seemed better to say nothing at all than to cause anyone heartache or longing or frustration if somehow in my sharing, desires unfilled were stirred. There are so many who ache so.
God has reminded me, though, of my own aching. The moments when others' words, completely innocent in intent, but enemy shot right to the heart, bleeding out longing, sending me to a pile of broken tears in the unguardedness of home. We are all so fragile, so beautifully fragile. And you know what, God made us tender that way. And he is showing me that despite any circumstance, He is faithful, even in and especially in our longing. We just have to hold on long enough to see him work the promise of our good through it all. And his faithful love is a story worth sharing.
So I lift up hand now, and begin to paint. The words my brush and our story the canvas. But the art - it is all God. His story. His glory.
He is pouring out too much not to share.
Deep breath, brush to palette,