honey

I asked for thick, and boy has he smeared it on. Thick like honey, His spirit comes and sweetens, soothes, coats us all with His goodness. It tastes like peace, making room for simple joy. Settles down like gratitude, enhancing the flavor of his goodness all around. The gifts of these children, this man, how can I miss how loved I must be, given this dream to share a lifetime, to be offered today with them? Even more, to invest this life ever discovering the richness of Christ in me, in us, the Hope of Glory.
I don't want to miss the beauty right in front of me. He has given me fresh eyes to see it, and I'm cherishing it all. I don't want to miss the privilege of a life lived abiding in Christ, in plenty or in want, his grace truly sufficient in my weakness.
I have tasted, and He is good.
Oh, to trust Him more.
ejk

thick in my thin

I type with one hand, pecking away while my left arm encircles my peaceful child, content as long as she's near mom. By the extended time it has taken to type that first sentence she squirms with hunger making a liar out of me.

Thin.

Across the dimly lit living room, we both collapsed in self poured-out exhaustion. I told Aron that all of life feels very thin right now. My frame looks fragile in the mirror, and its that time after the fullness of pregnancy when my hair falls out in clumps scaring me half to death I might really lose it all. For the health of my girl, I have chosen to eat only a handful of foods, and 3 months on end of eating to live and to nourish my child, and I feel thin in nearly every dimension.

I think it is the accumulation of much of life pressing in, but three children has been more challenging than I imagined, and I feel thin - my resources simply not enough for all their needs. My patience has been so thin at times, and my day to day often feels like a hamster wheel, running myself ragged and never going anywhere. All the while knowing these moments are my life, and they are a gift.

And so I stand over stove and pray through tears, "Jesus, come. Be thick among my thin."

And he does. He blankets me in presence and patience and perspective and hope. I pour grapeseed oil in my oatmeal, adding calories wherever I can, and I feel him nourishing my heart this way: taking my thin, pouring over me the richness of his Spirit giving me all I need to thrive for today.

This journey of motherhood, it is a constant pouring out of self. And I would be empty if He weren't constantly, moment by moment filling my hollow places so I have something to offer the lives at my feet.

I don't want to waste these hardships, and I feel myself bowing to them. A younger me would fight them in frustration, knowing this is not how life is supposed to be. But God taught me something right in the middle of labor, 8 centimeters of excruciating pain. And each wave seemed unbearable and I writhed and twisted and fought against the pain so hard. I sang, no, I pleaded somewhere between earth and outer space, "I may be weak, but your Spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God, you never will." And I felt Him gently coach me to submit to the pain. To allow it to accomplish its purpose: to open me up to new life. As the next contraction came, I simply went limp, allowing my body to do what it must. The pain remained, but somehow, enduring it was easier now that I wasn't fighting against it. So now I remember James' words to consider facing trials pure joy because of what will be accomplished through perseverance. And Paul's words about God's discipline, so painful at the time, but only for a little time, for our good, that we may share in his holiness. So I whisper prayers in my thinness, "God let this hardship change me. Help me to allow it to accomplish the good it should. To birth new life in me."

So thin in my flesh just now, but as I explained to Aron, "Never before has Jesus' words been more alive for me, 'I am the Bread of Life.'" I feed on him, and he nourishes like no food can.

"There is rarely nothing you can do. Being still and knowing He is God is a long shot from nothing. Trusting in a God you cannot see is a long shot from nothing. Holding your tongue is a long shot from nothing. Being patient is a long shot from nothing. Counting it all joy is a long shot from nothing. Submitting is a long shot from nothing. Confessing sin is a long shot from nothing. Resting in Christ is a long shot from nothing, and hear this one really loudly: praying is a long shot from nothing."
- from James Mercy Triumphs study, Beth Moore

simple goodness

raspberry season is upon us.

we might turn a healthy shade of pink for all we're consuming.

i'm not sure there is a more delicious way to spend an evening than this:

a fresh raspberry milkshake, bursting with summer's richest berry.

hero

When i first saw you in sound waves, clearly a man-child growing within, I looked to your daddy and laughed, "A boy?! What will I ever do with a boy?"

Little did I know how you would steal my heart.

Now I wonder, what will I ever do without you, when these days are gone.

My sweet boy, you believe, you really believe, that you are strong and brave, that you can save the world. When you don your cape, you fly through the house, and you come to me a million times, "Watch me, mama! I'm super fast! Look at my muscles, mama! Am I strong?"

Oh, how I ache to make you understand.

Yes! Yes, you are strong and brave. Valiant and full of honor.

Our Maker has written this upon your heart; you were created for greatness.

But a day is coming when doubts will creep in, and you will wonder if you were ever strong, wonder how you can keep a brave face though your heart quivers, wonder if you will ever have what it takes.

My son, remember this:

In Christ.

In Christ, you are most strong when you bend a knee, his power made perfect in your weakness. 

(2 Corinthians 12:9)

In Christ, you can be strong and courageous, never terrified, because the LORD your God goes with you, promising to never leave or forsake you. 
(Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5)

In Christ, you are a son of the Most High God, and His Spirit is within you, His divine power giving you everything you need to live the life He has called you to.
(2 Peter 1:3, Colossians 1:19).

We live in a world fallen victim to great evil. And we have been summoned to participate in a war that started long before our small stories came to life.
I wish with all my heart that I could protect you from it all, the knowledge of good and evil.
I suppose this is the beauty of the season of the beloved son:
life safe in the love of Father, naive of the Great War.

But even in your boyhood bliss, you hunger for adventure.

You long to be a hero.

I don't yet know the good works, the saving the day kind, he has planned for you.

But I'll marvel at the handiwork you are, confident that He will raise you up and position you to fufill your calling in Christ Jesus. (Ephesians 2:10)

Yet for today, I'll do my best to soak you into the deepest parts of my heart and savor you there just as you are, the world's smallest superhero...
before your legs grow long, your shoulders wide, and the whiskers come with a new voice,
 And a world that needs saving beckons you fly away from me.

My mighty little man, sleep right here on my couch a little longer.

After all, saving the day is exhausting work, even for the super and the hero among us.

Because we all know tomorrow's adventure won't wait for the weary.

So grab your gear, tuck that sword in your undies.

And prepare to conquer the world anew.

My Lion Cub, I couldn't love you more.

And you will always be my hero.

mommy

Abandon

We are not in Eden, though her scent still hangs heavy in the air. Her glory haunts us from within, in the longing moments, the epic and the intimate, when this world in all her splendor is simply not enough. We sense her calling when life frustrates, refusing to bow to 'how it ought to be", and deep down we know we were made for more.

More than the pain that is piercing my sweet friend's heart as she mourns the death of a brother, gone in his sleep, buried to this world in his youth. His wife now a widow with babies to raise. My God, we are helpless sheep; come be our shepherd.

More than our self-centered existence, led by the siren's songs of our desires, never fulfilling. We are lulled into living for our appetites, gorged and bulging with misery. And here we sit, deceived and in chains to ourselves, shackled by our good life, woefully unaware of our enslavement. My God, we are helpless sheep; come be our shepherd.

Jesus, you said, if we want to save our life, we will lose it, but if we lose our life for you, we will find it. That if we want to come after you, we deny ourselves and follow you. My God, I know it will cost me everything, but I can't hold onto this life, hard as I try. Bury the woman who tries to have it all, my way and yours. My God, I am an iron-willed sheep, come be my shepherd.

And oh, Great Shepherd, I want to live only for you, because Eden is gone, but the Kingdom is here. And when you come in the Glory of your father, there's only one flag I want to be waving, purest white in surrender to the One who is called Faithful and True. There is only one life for me this side of Eden, and it is the life of abandon.
ejk
^{Matthew 16: 24-27} Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.
^{Revelation 19:11} I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True.

                 

a sip of the best medicine

We recently made our annual family trip to the dermatologist office for what my husband would deem as insanity: let me strip down to my skivvies and pay you a nice chunk of change to inspect my skin from head to toe, scrutinizing each beauty mark and mole. But he loves me, so he dutifully, albeit uncomfortably, surrenders to the process.

This year, as they corralled our family into two rooms, somehow Isabelle (the easiest to manage in such a setting) slipped into the room with Aron, while Judah and Selah accompanied me. Armed with her notebook and a pen, Belle doodled away while Aron proceeded to degown and cover with the paper sheet. Aron remembers Belle peering up at him over her notebook from time to time but would quickly avert her attention back to her drawing. 

 Our bright, 30-something, female dermatologist bubbled into Aron's room first, "I was just thinking about you the other day!" she excitedly said to Aron. "Oh. wow! This just got even more awkward. Lady! I'm in my underwear!" he thought. She chirped away with small talk as she circled my blushing husband, examining with a careful eye and shooting medical jargon to her assistant who transcribed for her. After she dismissed herself and left the room, Belle spoke up, "Hey daddy!" She proceeded to taunt him by mimicking the doctor, who had with one finger pulled the back of Aron's boxers to take a quick peek at the skin covering his bum. With sound effects to boot, Belle grabbed at the imaginary boxer briefs infront of her and said in a high pitched singing voice, "Wooot!".

Equally embarrassed and amused, Aron dressed, and as he gathered their belongings to leave the room, he picked up Belle's notebook to see this:

Study this drawing for a minute...its pretty rich: unibrow, underarm hair, and an embarrassed knock-kneed daddy, hands folded atop paper drape.  

Aron has since declared he will no longer be visiting the dermatologist for well visits, only if an issue arises, and should he need to go again, he will go alone.

so I don't forget

Belle, what do you want to be when you grow up?

"A Ballerina!"

Judah, what do you want to be?

"Incredibles Hawk!"

I wonder how much longer it will work, telling him the Incredible Hawk mysteriously LOVES every food I fix that he hovers over, refusing to eat at my dinner table. But suddenly it becomes fuel, and bite by bite, he finishes his meal, stopping to flex his muscles between swallows to see if they've yet grown. 

I may never be a woman of great means, but I will grow old with a heart full of treasured moments like these. And I will consider myself rich in all that really mattered. 

*Belle, going to work, (see laptop & hat) in bunny slippers, dropping her son Judah off at Kindergarten.

ejk

i'll let you figure out what happened in this sequential storyboard of pictures

i hope you know

Do you realize when you walk through that front door, you bring with you the sunshine?

Our world shimmers with wonder as tiny sword bearing pirates and bow laden lassies emerge to greet their great adventurer. 

Our hearts lean toward your light, soaking in your love which grows us daily until flowers bloom in fragrant fruit.

Our minds rest in the safety of your faithful rising and setting, a constant in a planet spinning chaos.

And as evening draws near, you tuck us in with brilliant color, sing us the song of the cool of evening. Your melody invites in the One who once walked with us face to face, and we enjoy His presence once more.

Happy Fathers Day!