I'm standing in the kitchen checking email before bed. My heart is a whirl of emotion. I simultaneously feel longing and contentment, frustration and peace, sadness and joy.
As the time draws very near for baby to be here, so does the stark awareness in my heart that we are doing this alone (and by that, I mean, for the most part, our families will be distant by-standers, only knowing our child through photos and videos.) This is very hard for me, and I struggle to fight the tears and disappointment. Even as I feel this, my heart knows that God is in control. That He sees the big picture, and that as his child I must trust. And as a third angle, I wrestle with guilt for not being content with the abundant blessings He has given, and longing for more. How could I ask for more?
As I typed the above...Aron saw my tears on his way to bed, and asked if I want to talk. I let him read what I have begun to blog above, and say no more...(I don't have to explain...he understands). So Aron asks if I want to pray. I cannot right now, the words get caught in my throat and I only cry. But he intercedes for us both, and it is healing. We pause for a moment to marvel at baby boy pushing his rear-end up high in the air manifesting in a large protruding bump in the upper left of my abdomen. Aron pats his little round bottom, and baby moves left. We giggle, then off to bed Aron went. He wants to get plenty of rest before speaking 2 services tomorrow. So now I am resuming this moment of reflection...
I said earlier my heart is a whirlwind of emotion...and not all sad by far. I stand staring at this lovely vase of Queen Anne's Lace. Some say it is a weed. I think the flower is breathtaking. Aron knows this, and he went to the field behind our condo and brought back a bouquet earlier in the evening. I feel loved and known as I consider this.
And I cherish a moment that transpired as we were putting Belle down for the night. We let her choose 2 stories to read from her bookshelf every night as bedtime routine. Tonight she had already made her selections and was waiting for us in her bed with books in hand. Seeing what she had choosen, I exclaim, "Look, Daddy! She's chosen her Big Sister book to read...what a great choice!" Aron asked her,"Belle, are you so excited to be a big sister?"
Her face beamed as she stood up on the bed, threw her hands up, and began jumping as she chanted, "A big sister, a baby brother, a baby brother!! I'm so happy! I'm so happy! I'm so happy!" She met a newborn baby boy today, and really wanted him to be her baby brother. She cannot wait to kiss his toes. This too brings so much joy to my spirit.
So I say all of this only to express the reality of what is going on in my heart. No editing. Just real. I am off to bed myself, 'in quietness and trust' - to quote aron's favorite scripture.
much love
ejk
5 comments:
It is hard having children while you are away from your family. My first was born in Texas and my second was born in North Carolina.
I know it isn't the same, but pictures do help. Also, video cameras are a great thing as are web cams.
And it doesn't matter how far away you are, your family will still love him no matter what. My mom had said when my son was born "I had no idea I would love someone so much, especially when I haven't even met him yet."
*HUGS*
erica- i feel for you and can relate to many of your feelings. all completely normal and validated...disappointment, sadness, guilt, joy (all wrapped up and manifested into something that, at times, is revealed all at once). isn't that how life works? complete joy sprinkled into moments of sadness, fear, discouaragement or discontent. it's part of this bittersweet human experience. you have many things right (and focus on those)...YOU are His child, YOU are loved and YOU are known.
and i agree with you...Queen Anne's Lace is SO NOT a weed.
thanks for sharing your heart. it's healthy, therapeutic, and helpful to others. YOU are NOT alone! Love you!
Erica ,we all feel the same way . blessed that you and aron have a wonderful church family and support system,and work,sad that we are not closer to be more a part of your lives,a little jealous of those who do get to share more,but we too, know God is in charge and is doing great things through you. you will never be alone as you are all in our thoughts and prayers continuously. and....you better believe i'lldo everything in my power to be there when my new grandson is born.that is if you guys can put up with me wanting to hog him.see you soon.
I know it's hard to have family so far away when you have a family. Know that we love you all. Our heart is knit to yours. Press into your 'familly' here. We do love you.
I believe I "chuckled". That's a bit more manly than "giggled".
APK
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